Visionary Womanhood is launching a new series called “Just ask the Wemmicks!” If you don’t know what a Wemmick is, you can check that out here. For now, suffice it to say that YOU are a Wemmick–and so am I.
The first question concerns how we raise our boys in an immodest culture. A mother submitted the following question, and several of us are chiming in.
The Question:
My question is regarding protecting our children from seeing too much skin in the summer months. A few years ago, my husband and I realized that we cannot go to public beaches and waterslide anymore because of the amount of skin exposure. We want to protect our boys’ minds. It has been TOUGH. We do not have free access to any pools, and we have to get out to the lake early enough to find a private spot. It is not always a good spot for teaching our youngest children to swim. Recently, we have been going to a semi-private spot near a major beach. It is turning out to not be *private enough*, since we are still exposed to some inappoapriate swimwear. Today we dropped a few of our older sons off with extended family for a boating trip. There was a bikini involved, which was something we had not anticipated. My husband had an uncomfortable conversation, she got dressed, but I am unsure of what happened after we left. I am starting to feel like such a compromiser!
Most of our conservative friends do not bother themselves much with this issue, and still go to public beaches…I was hoping that someone at Visionary Womanhood might have some insights on all of this. I would love to hear from an older teen boy/young adult who was raised by parents who guarded his eyes. Do all of you avoid all boating trips and boat docks in addition to the public beaches? How do you deal with extended family who are showing too much skin?
Here is how we are handling this in our family with our four boys:
First, we have built some walls.
While our children are immature, it is our God-given trust to protect them from a world that is at war with the people of God.
In ancient warfare the symbol of security for any city was the the strength and size of its walls. Assaulting a walled city was a daunting task, with no assurance of victory. In contrast, a lack of walls indicated weakness and vulnerability.
When confronted by an immodest world bent on defiling our children, our first step is to look at the walls we have built, noting where we need to improve them. What are we allowing to come into our home? Which people? What media? Which books? We need to make choices about what we have available and work to secure any vulnerable spots in our “castle walls”.
Knowing your children’s friends, making intentional choices regarding TV, and utilizing filtering and accountability software on the internet can each bring peace of mind that our kids are safe from indecency at home. However, we must be not be self-deceived. It is so important to remain diligent.
Technology changes so rapidly these days and old safeguards may not be as effective as we think.
Also, we dare not put our trust in someone else’s definition of “modest”. YouTube, for example, is a teen favorite which purports to be “porn-free” yet has lots of inappropriate video content. We want to let our guard down because it is wearisome to constantly check up on our kids…but we HAVE to do it. I have written more here about what our “social media” walls look like.
Second, we are teaching our children how to live “outside the walls”.
As our children grow we quickly discover a problem with our walls. No matter how high the walls are, they will never protect our children completely.
In ancient warfare the tried and true tactic for taking an unassailable city was to just encircle it and wait for the people to come out. The defenders could not stay in there forever.
Our children will eventually step outside our walled fortress, and when they do they will be confronted with the immodesty that is rampant in our culture.
I cannot drive down the street without seeing young women jogging in what used to be considered “underwear”. My sons and my husband see it, too. Despite our best efforts, it is unavoidable.
So how do we defend our children “outside the walls”?
Honestly, we must admit we cannot effectively defend them ourselves.
This is a war, after all, and they are personally called to take the gospel to the nations, not hole up in the barracks and just try to wait it out. We must train them to fight, put on the full armor of God and make war.
We must remember that we are raising knights, not villagers.
Villagers hunker down inside the fortress and wait for the siege to end. Knights boldly fight to protect themselves and those under their care.
Teach them when to flee
Now, this is not to encourage foolhardiness. Part of training for warfare is to know when to engage and when not to. There are situations where the Bible encourages fleeing. Each family will have to determine what they will participate in or avoid–for the family above, it may mean continuing to avoid beach trips and pool parties. We must teach our young men to flee when the immodesty is too great or when they find themselves tempted to sin.
On the other hand, we do need to recognize that outside the walls it won’t always be possible to flee. Our young men will hold jobs and they will likely encounter co-workers or customers who are dressed immodestly. They will drive down the street and see joggers and bill boards. Sadly, many of them will even be confronted with the immodesty of their sisters in Christ every Sunday.
Teaching them how to deal with temptation in these situations is essential.
My husband is diligent about talking regularly with our older boys about these matters as part of their Christian discipleship. Some parents are too squeamish to talk about potentially embarrassing subjects but our children learn best when they are taught. We shouldn’t naively assume they will absorb these lessons by osmosis, or that our careful shielding and high walls have prevented them from having any occasion to sin. We know well what lies in the heart of man (and woman!) and it is our job as parents to talk openly about all matters of Christian living with our children.
I asked our 17 year old son how he handles these situations and he shared two things. First, when he can’t avoid an immodest girl, he tries to ignore her immodesty by averting his eyes, talking to others, and engaging in tasks that keep him focused on something else. Second, he said that he appreciates modesty so much that he finds it more attractive than immodesty. We have consciously made an effort to raise our boys to love virtue.
In our training we must have vision. One day, relatively soon, our sons will leave and found their own cities. They will need to be able to defend their own families. We must not only give them the “what to do’s”, but the “why’s” so they will be victorious in the battle and capable of training the next generation to do the same.
Here’s what everyone else had to say about raising boys in an immodest culture:
Natalie Klejwa, Visionary Womanhood
Bambi Moore, In the Nursery of the Nation
Terry Covey, A Mom’s Many Lessons
Kelly Crawford, Generation Cedar
Molly, I LOVE this! It was amazing. I love your analogies. : ) As you can see, I have discovered your link and corrected it in my post. Have a great day! : )
Wonderful. yup. Glad I fixed that link. I wouldn’t have wanted my readers to miss this post. 🙂
Your last paragraph says it all. Vision. We must teach our children the why’s so they can fight the battle! Thanks for sharing.
Perhaps I can offer something from a boy’s perspective!
When I was growing up, I spend most of my summer holidays on the beaches of South Wales in the UK. These vast sandy expanses fringed with rocks had places to go crabbing and rock hopping, and were a great place to play.
I’d go to the beach every day with my parents and cousins. The organisation beforehand was full of excitement and anticipation. Sandwiches would be made, cake cut, and fizzy drinks packed. There’s also be kettles and a burner to make that all essential cup of tea.
My cousins and I used to build sandcastles, and make sand boats in which we’d sit when the tide came in and pretended that we were out at sea. We’d run around in the sand lapping up the sun and jump into the sea.
At lunchtime we’d eat the sandwiches that had been carefully prepared that morning, but no matter how well they had been wrapped they always managed to have that sandy crunch to them.
After a day that always seemed to end far too quickly, it was time to return to my grandmother’s house for a hearty tea.
Now I know there were women wearing bikinis. And the sight of someone struggling to get changed while wrapped in a beach towel, which inevitably got trapped under a foot causing them to wobble and fall over, was a source of endless amusement.
But I can’t remember a time where I would sit and stare at semi-naked flesh! I was really too busy enjoying myself than to waste my time doing that.
OK, times have moved on. But fundamentally children are still children and deserve to have a childhood where they are free to express themselves.
There is a line of thought in the universal law of attraction that suggests if you focus on something hard enough, then the universe has a habit of delivering just that.
But it’s not that smart, and so misses out words like don’t. So when people say things like “I don’t want to be in debt”, the universal law of attraction goes to work on the key word, which is debt.
Similarly if you say “I don’t want my boys looking at semi-naked women”, the universal law is likely to kick in and deliver what you don’t want to happen.
I suppose another way of looking at things is that if you stop or shield impressionable minds from certain things too much, something inside goes into overdrive and they’ll find a way to figure out what it is they are being prevented from seeing.
I doubt if shielding is a particularly effective way of dealing with these things. Perhaps recognition and then casual dismissal might work better. “I don’t like bikinis. They are so uncomfortable…” could be better than “Don’t look boys, it’s rude!” or words to that effect.
So it’s all a question of balance. Would you prefer your children to have a set of happy memories that will last them a lifetime? Or for them to remember their childhood as a series of awkward events that sought to avoid situations?
Personally I’m glad for all those summers that I spent on the beach. They were really happy times and I wouldn’t be without them.
You sound a lot like my boys, Steve! They love doing exactly that kind of thing. I don’t like it when extreme immodesty is shoved in their faces, but I don’t make them hole up in the house and never leave, either–as I pointed out in my post, that approach doesn’t work well anyway. All my kids are generally too busy playing and making their own fun, like you did with your cousin, to be concerned about what others are doing (or wearing). If we draw too much attention to these things it focuses our kids attention right where we DON’T want it…usually it is better not to point it out. My boys are often pretty oblivious as they go about all their boyish games–and I just love that about them! Balance is good. Thanks for your comment!
I so appreciated the reminder that we are in a war. We never know what the enemy is going to throw at us but being equipped for the battle is so important. Great post Molly!