The Anger Challenge

There is nowhere I would rather be than at home with my children, and there are few things I would desire more than to have a happy, peaceful, vibrant home. But all too often it is easy to get discouraged with the children’s foolish behavior and to snap at one of them in an attitude of impatience or a moment of tiredness.

I suspect we all have these moments. We read in James 3:2, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”

It would be wonderful to have a friend who could keep me accountable when I express my frustration and impatience, or when I vent my anger with an unkind word or look. But the fact is, my friends probably wouldn’t know about these struggles if I didn’t tell them because I find it pretty easy to discipline myself when they are around.

If someone in the grocery store speaks rudely to me, I don’t even bat an eyelash. I can be gracious, even if I am upset inside. But when one of my children speaks disrespectfully to me, I find it much harder to respond patiently.

I need my family’s help when it comes to accountability, because let’s face it: most of my anger sin is against them. They are the only ones who really see what goes on inside my heart, and so they are in a key position to help me, if I will allow them to.

A year ago we tried something in our home which we called, “The anger challenge”. At the time, my husband and I realized that we had allowed the children to get into the habit of being slow to obey. Frequently they would try and explain their perspective when they didn’t want to do as they were told, and instead of nipping these explanations in the bud we were trying to reason with them. Often these discussions would last until I raised my voice…only then did the kids know “mom is serious”.

This had become a typical scenario in our home:

Me: “Kids, it’s time to go to bed now.”

Kids: “Awwwwww, mom, we were having fun watching this movie!”

Me: “I know, but we have a big day tomorrow and you will be tired if you don’t get your rest.”

Kids: “We won’t be tired mom! We promise! Can’t we just watch the end of the movie?”

Me: “No, it will be too late by then.”

Kids: “It won’t, mom. The movie is almost over! We stayed up later than this last night! There are just 20 minutes left! And we can go to bed even earlier tomorrow night instead.”

By then I would be getting angry, and I did not try to conceal my frustration as I said, “No! I don’t want to argue about it! Just do as I say!!!”

Training Children to Obey the First Time
At the beginning of “the anger challenge”, my husband and I sat down with the children and explained to them that for two months we would be focusing on making dramatic changes to how we were operating as a family.

We made it clear exactly what was expected of the children: they would learn to do as they were told with no questions asked. There would be no “buts”, no “awwwww, mom’s”. There would be rewards for those whose attitudes and behavior reflected adherence to this standard, and loss of privileges for those who didn’t.

The main people who needed to change, of course, was my husband and I. We found that when we are busy with our own concerns, the children go their own foolish way. When we spend enough time with our children, paying attention to their character and behavior, we can easily make corrections and encourage them when they do what is right.

Focusing on Family
A big component of this challenge was that the children did not have multi-media privileges during the week for the 2 months. We allowed them to continue with a very limited amount of computer time on Saturday, as that was part of the reward system for compliance. Family movie night was also allowed, but no television without mom and dad and no computers at all except on Saturday.

We strictly limit what they are allowed to watch and how much time they spend anyway, but even a little bit can affect their attitudes. More importantly, their television and computer time affects my attitude. When they get crabby or whiny (and thereby get on my nerves), it is easy to turn on the television instead of addressing their sin. I wanted to force myself to have “no other options”. We would spend those months together, working on our attitudes as a family.

Mom’s Part
The other side of the anger challenge was my part: the children were rewarded with an extra minute of Saturday computer time each time they caught me raising my voice in anger, expressing impatience or making certain “pet” comments that I love to make when I’m annoyed.

My goals in this part of the challenge were to grow in patience and gentleness, and to allow my outward comments to reflect Christ’s character more. I’m sure He never rolled His eyes and said, “For crying out loud!”

The children were not allowed to be rude or disrespectful toward me, and they couldn’t purposely try to make me angry, in hopes of getting their reward. For this to work, by the way, mommy has to have the final say. I am not putting the children in charge. They are allowed to respectfully say, “Mom, did you just break the anger challenge?” If I determine that, “No, it is acceptable for mom to say what I said in the way I said it,” that is final. I am, after all the adult. They are helping me. They are not being put in a position of authority.

The Results
The “anger challenge” was good for us. The children developed better habits of obeying right away and not challenging us when they don’t get their way. This doesn’t mean they are perfect, but it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it did before. I also developed better habits, learning to be more patient, raising my voice less frequently, and cutting out those phrases which express annoyance. My children feel comfortable telling me if I’ve said something unfair in haste. Our bond as a family has been strengthened even more.